


Nemefiction.net

by cresselia8themoon



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Furry, Lemon-inators cause people to write furry lemon fics, M/M, Mentioned Heinz Doofenshmirtz, Mentioned Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), lemon fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 08:05:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresselia8themoon/pseuds/cresselia8themoon
Summary: In which Carl reads a self-insert fic Perry and Heinz co-wrote.





	Nemefiction.net

The Doofenshmirtz Activity Detection Program, or D.A.D.P for short (Carl seriously needed to work on his cool acronyms) went off again, a notification popping up in the bottom right corner of the screen. Rubbing his hands in glee at catching that nefarious schemer in the act, Carl clicked on the alert.

**Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz**

**Recent activity: Built evil Lemon-inator. Zapped himself with evil Lemon-inator.**

**Uploaded document titled ‘Gentle Purrs, Chocolate Hearts’ to Nemefiction.net. Click link to view published document.**

Carl frowned, bringing up a different program to scan for any lemon anomalies in the Tri-State Area. Five minutes later, Carl wasn’t any closer to figuring out what the Lemon-inator did. All lemons in every major grocery store and family business were accounted for, and nobody was starting riots in the streets over the lack of sour fruit to flavor their water.

He debated calling Agent P to investigate as protocol demanded, but something about the blue link beckoned him to click on it.

_Gentle Purrs, Chocolate Hearts_

_By Evil Misfortune, Co-written by Unstoppable Dynamic Fury_

_AN: Why do we call these things lemons anyway what does this have to do with fruit?_

_We own these characters, which is way more than some of you can say. Ha!_

_R &R & elect Evil Misfortune as your leader! _

Carl rolled his eyes and skipped the rest of the author’s note, which was mostly a long one-sided text conversation between Evil Misfortune and his co-writing accomplice. Where did Doofenshmirtz even get an accomplice?

_Moonlight danced in Barry’s warm, chocolate orbs, clawed fingers intertwining with my own calloused hand. My deep, oceanic pools gazed at his broad, fur-covered chest which could be more than a match for Hercules’ own muscular frame. I was too ashamed to make eye contact for long._

_Fireflies illuminated the azure waters around us. Frogs croaked in the distance, a perfect ambient soundtrack to this perfect yet rather nerve-wracking night. The cruise ship rocked back and forth like a swaying cradle, our fancy, sapphire-encrusted chalices never regurgitating their contents._

_I stumbled back into my seat, somehow feeling tipsy even though I’ve only had a few sips of the finest champagne money can buy. My brain is on high alert yet dulled to the world around us._

_I take my hand away. I can’t do this._

_Barry has known love and warmth since his time in his mother’s womb. He would never want to be tied down to a wretched man like me._

_Despite his dangerous line of work, there’s hardly an imperfection to mar his face._

_Barry gently cups my chin in a firm grip, a silent plea for me to bend a few inches and kiss him on his muzzle. His claws are sharp, yet I’m unscratched. He’s a god among bobcats, I’m sure._

_Romance is an elusive creature. One can track it, catch a glimpse of it in the horizon, but never get close enough to touch it. I’ve broken my own heart and the hearts of many others. Barry will be the next among their ranks. It’s only a matter of time._

_I place my lips on his muzzle and apply a small amount of pressure, just to test the waters. I feel Barry push back, his muscular arms snaking their way around my torso._

_He’s warm. He would make an excellent pillow._

_I need more. Mother always called me greedy and selfish. I guess I am. But I relish in it. I’m evil, I’m supposed to be morally ambiguous! And what’s greedier than satisfying this primal need that’s rising to the top of my very being?_

_So I push harder. Barry falters for a moment in surprise but returns the depth of my kiss in kind. I run my tongue across each of his sharp, needle-like fangs. In my haste, I prick myself on a point, but the taste of blood is oddly sweet. Barry’s tongue feels like sandpaper, but the underside is soft and fleshy._

_I stroke Barry on the ear, and he melts into a purring puddle. His chest rumbles deeply, and I press my body closer, soaking up the vibrations for as long as I possibly can._

_Something wet is pushing against my thigh. While unexpected, the feeling isn’t unwelcome. Barry lets out the equivalent of a groan in bobcat language. His ears flatten, and he starts hyperventilating. Reluctantly, I let up to allow him room to breathe._

_But then he looks at me with those pleading chocolate pools of his, and I can’t refuse._

_I lead him to the privacy of our bedroom and cast aside my clothes. The night air is chilly against my skin, but that can easily be rectified._

_Barry lays on the bed, legs spread as an invitation. His tail twitches impatiently._

_I trap him on all sides with my limbs, lowering myself slowly until_

**BAM!**

“CARL!”

Carl shrieked, snatching the monitor and tossing it out the nearest window.

A dull thunk told Carl that was a terrible idea.

Monogram rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well, I was going to tell you that I have coupons for Slushy Dawg, but…”

Carl gulped. “Yes, sir?”

“You do realize that’s coming out of your paycheck?”

“Sir, you don’t pay me.”

“Right. My mistake. Transfer fifty of your Slushy Bucks to me and consider that your penalty for breaking equipment then.”

 _Honestly_ , Carl thought as he made the transaction between his and Monogram’s accounts on the official Slushy Dawg website. _That could’ve been a lot worse._

Still, he’d have to check out Nemefiction.net on his own time. Especially if there was anything involving squirrels.

**Author's Note:**

> Zoologists recommend that people shouldn't kiss bobcats. It won't end well. 
> 
> I don't know how to write kissing. Or sex. Then again, Heinz probably doesn't either.


End file.
